Today, I Gave Up

There are just times that you can’t do it.  I mean, you probably can, but lack the will.  Or the energy.  The verve.

3 days.  I’ve had 3 days of physical exhaustion.

Not like, “I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat” kind of exhaustion.  More the, “oh my god I can’t even climb this flight of stairs without huffing” variety.

Newsflash!  I’m a woman.  I have a regular menstrual cycle.  Sometimes I breeze through it with little effort.  Other times I feel I’m carrying a 5 ton boulder on my shoulders.  For 3 days I’ve felt pinned beneath the weight of a beluga whale.

Late this morning the five of us embarked on a 3.5 mile bike ride to explore a lake near where we’re camping in the Poconos.  There’s a “beach” and since it’s Labor Day we thought this would be a fun way to spend the day.  It’s mostly sunny and 80 outside, with a slight breeze.  Not insanely hot or oppressive.  Actually, it’s PERFECT weather.

I knew the ride there and back would be laden with hills and require physical strength.  Normally I wouldn’t be (overly) intimidated by the thought of a good quad burn, but based on the previous two days’ lack of physical fortitude, I was worried.  But we set out and in my head was my go-to mantra, “Nevertheless, she persisted.”

I think I can, I think I can, I think I…can’t.

One mile in and I gave up.  I was tired.  Weak.  Sweaty and on the verge of tears.  I told Rafael to wait up and explained how I felt.  He and the girls biked on while I headed back to the RV where I’m now sitting, in air conditioning (which I normally despise), writing this.

You see, this isn’t a story about never giving up and pushing limits until you’ve had a transformational break-through.

Nope.

Today, I turned my ass around because I need some rest; mind, body, and spirit.

A good friend, who is also my coach, was in India last year for her 40th Birthday.  It was a bucket list dream of hers that she worked hard to make happen.  At her first stop, a famously sacred resort, she had body work scheduled.  When she arrived at her first appointment the usual questions were asked, “Where are your areas of discomfort?  Are you pregnant?  Are you currently menstruating?”.  Turns out she was having her monthly bleed and, as such, couldn’t be worked on.  It was explained to her that when a woman is bleeding she’s already doing very hard and very sacred work; work that should be honored and undisturbed.  So instead, she was told to lay by the pool, meditate, rest, and honor her body.

HONOR HER BODY.

And THAT is the moral of the story.  Know which limits you can rise above and beyond.  Know when to push yourself.  But also know when NOT to.  It wasn’t fear or anxiety that made me turn around.  It wasn’t something I needed to push through to grow.

I’m already strong.  My body, on most days, feels pretty fit.  Not perfect, but good enough to make me content.  I’ve grown three humans, been through multiple surgeries, and have an autoimmune condition.  I do heavy landscape work, gardening, and yoga.  If I trust my body with all the hard work, shouldn’t I trust she knows when to idle?

Today, and maybe tomorrow, I will honor what my body is telling me.  Slow down.  Don’t push.

JUST BE.